Current mood:

excited

Three Months to Go

So I just looked at my calendar and realized something amazing - as of tomorrow, I will officially be in my third and final trimester of pregnancy.  As of Friday, my baby will be here in exactly three months.  I am at once excited and terrified.  Not so long ago, April 12th seemed like SOOO far away, and now it seems so incredibly close and I just don't feel ready.  I haven't even started on her room and I have next to no baby supplies and stuff. Mentally, I don't think there's anyway anyone can know in advance of their first child whether they're ready or not. Sometimes I think I am, and then sometimes, I just know I'm going to fuck it up royally.

But on the other hand, I simply cannot WAIT to meet Zoey.  I had my first dream about her last night, actually holding her and seeing her. I can't even describe the happy, excited, contented feeling I had upon waking from that dream.  Its funny, I never really liked kids all that much. I was never very baby crazy.  I mean, there were individual kids that I know that I'm crazy about, but as a whole, I pretty much avoided them.  Now, my world has shifted completely, and I see babies everywhere. And that makes me happy.

Looking back, I am extremely thankful that my pregnancy has been healthy and relatively boring.  I haven't had any problems, and even my normal symptoms have not been all that difficult to deal with.  After problems I faced last year, and problems I know my friends have gone and are going through, I thank God everyday for this normal, healthy pregancy. Of course, the biggest and most painful symptom of all lies ahead of me, and in a relatively short period of time.  In no way do I expect labor to be as copacetic; in fact, I am a bit terrified. I don't deal with pain very well, and yet I am about to face what has been described as "the most painful experience in humanity". Yet the end result will be worth it, so that's what I will keep my eyes on.

For the first year ever, I did not make a single New Year's Resolution.  I don't have the energy in me to focus on minor self improvement goals when I am facing the most challenging and most exciting change in my life.  Every spare bit of my energy is going towards this pregnancy, the labor and finally, beginning to raise this new human being that God has entrusted to me. That's enough New Year's Resolution for anybody.